Thursday, October 30, 2008

new drugs for women

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding y ou of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

Liquid silicone drink for single wo men. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, pho ne number, or to lift the toilet seat

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I got my money back from Iceland this morning.

I bought a chicken and there was a leg missing

Thursday, October 16, 2008

El Bandito de Caca

This is the funniest shit I've ever read. This thread, that is. I keep laughing so hard but only breathily so, not wanting to get busted here at work. The repeated convulsions to my abdomen may produce a shit story of their own in a minute here. Anyway, my story sounds pretty tame compared to the ones I've read here today, but here it is.

Several years ago I was living in an apartment complex that had just gotten new residence managment. I was starting to hate the new staff due to several sucky new policies they'd instituted. Plus the head guy was a loud-talker (can't have that now can we). So I decided on the spur of the moment one night to punish them. I had come home in the wee hours, good and hammered, and so I got the idea to leave a little present in the stairwell from the parking deck to the residential floors. I went around behind the bottom flight of stairs and quickly hatched a modest steamer, giggling myself silly. Ran up and woke up my roommates to tell them about it, laughing my head off. Then I forgot about it a bit. I normally used the elevator to the parking deck, so a few days later when I happened to use the stairs instead, I noticed that the whole stairwell smelled bleached and deodorized and disinfected. Ha! Somebody must have discovered my present! But it turned out to be even better than that. I got to the bottom floor and poked my head around the bottom flight to where I'd staged my little protest, and le turd was still there. So, clearly people had complained about a mystery stench, but the management people couldn't find it, and so they fucking scrubbed all four floors of stairs, hoping in vain to eradicate the odor. But their efforts were fruitless, as my happy little log was slowly desiccating all the while, undiscovered in its shadowed little niche, releasing its heady bouquet into the busy stairwell. I guess that really punished the residents more than the management but, aah, who cares. They were probably cunts too.